Can I like, sleep forever?

Okay so I'm having a massive freaking freak out thingie and my hands won't stop shaking and I want to be sick but I don't want to be sick and there are like a million things bouncing around my head right now and I'm so fucking nervous about tomorrow night. Like I actually cannot calm the fuck down. When he starts talking to me I'm probably going to get sick. Like, full on projectile vomit. She's setting us up for God sake. I don't even know if I want this. DO I WANT THIS? I think I might go lie down and see how I feel in a while.

Okay so I went and lied down for a while. I'm calm...ish. Mam gaves out to me for not picking up on social cues when you asked how I felt about phone calls and I responded in the negative.
What is even.

High School Musical

That's the school show this year. It starts tomorrow. I'm perfecting and selling raffle tickets on the Friday. I'm excite. It's going to be awful. Then my exams start Friday next week. Wehh.

This is ridiculous.

You have got to be kidding me.
You thought I was ignoring you. No. You were being a shit friend and I was giving up. Don't you dare play the victim again. That's not fair.
What the actual fuck does "handling" me mean? I didn't realised I need to be handled.It's not like I'm being stroppy. I'm done with her. You don't even know how upset by that I am. Like. You actually don't get it. And really, it's sweet fuck all of your business. What the fuck even is that. I get it if you don't want to be my friend anymore, but don't pretend to be, then basically brag about how I fought with you and how you dealt with it. Jesus Christ. Fuck you. I'm done with you too.

I just died a little. Or at least peed my pants.

Okay. Let me explain.
I just found out that a beloved actor of mine is going to be in the movie of a beloved book series of mine. Up to now, I hadn't been very impressed with the cast list. Now I'm really excited.
I was in ultra fangirl mode, alerting all my fellow fangirl friends (ALLIERATION YEAH!) to this news and sqeeing about it.
SUDDENLY.
A wild text from a guy I kinda like appears on my phone screen. Bear in mind, I am hardcore fangirling, one step off crying about everything in my life.
I squeaked. And promptly started crying.
Four a good seven or eight minutes, I cried.
Over a casting and a text.
I think I need to get out of the house more.
EVERYTHING IS SO HARD LATELY.
NO MOTIVATION OR FRIENDS.
Sdf.
I've calmed down a bit now.
But I keep replying to him. And regretting my replies so much. One was a stationary pun. It didn't go anywhere.
Ba dum tss.
That was pretty much the joke. I was blunt about it.
Ehehehe. These are so fun.
Back to topic.
I regret my life.
Sigh.
I need help.

Fuck you, Google.

You are making life incredibly difficult for me.

You see, my phone broke the other day and I had to reset it. I lost everything. I had to reinstall all my apps. Which I hadn't update since I got them. Which meant when I reinstalled them all, they were all different. So now, I can't log into my Blogger account from my phone, because it isn't a gmail account. It's really pissing me off cause I only ever blog off my phone now.

And to top it all off, I can't start vlogging because I have to use a damned gmail account to create a new YouTube account. I don't want my YouTube account to be my name. Fuck off. Cunts.

You really are just adding to my fucking stress, you piece of shit, over-controlling company. Back the fuck up, bitch.

Yahoo! is so much better than you without even trying.

What a fucking shit start to the summer. My best friend attempted suicide twice. My other best friend started cutting again. This one guy talked to my everynight for a week, and hasn't spoken to me since. I've lost my appetite again. I'm flat broke. I haven't wanted to leave the house in about a week. I barely want to talk to anyone anymore. My only consolation is Tumblr. And even that in itself is a poison. He broke up with her and then I sent him an ask being all faggy. Ugh. I just want to do shit by myself now. Go to town, the cinema, etc, alone. Just to see what it's like. I'm going to town on Saturday alone to buy books.

Did I tell you that on my Grad night, I recieved a book voucher for having full attendance. I was the only girl. Two guys did too. But I was the only girl. embarrassment unreal.

Today is my "Talk to no one outside the family" day. It means I don't go online at all, basically. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Tumblr. No YouTube. I've resigned to just reading. But I just really wanted to blog. Cause I missed it. I love blogging. Especially since the only people who might ever read it seem to be Star and Fern. Hi guys.

I almost got to go to SitC. Mam said we wouldn't be able to find a hotel or someone to go with me, plus I'm not an active YouTuber yet so it's be weird She said if I have the money, I might be allowed next year. I wish I could go. Then I could pure coax Fern into going too. Then I could meet up with her and prove to my friends that friends through the internet aren't freaks. Because that's what they all think. Although I don't really have any friends through the internet anymore. Sigh.

I'm throwing away half my clothes. I don't wear them anymore and they barely fit. What's the use of keeping them? I'm also throwing away a load of pumps. I hate pumps. Ugh.

I'm really behind on my list of shit to do this summer, and I'm already three weeks in.
It's three weeks to my birthday since yesterday. I'll be sixteen. It's going to suck.
I'm going into fifth year. God help me.

I should go clean up my clothes now.
I'll try to fix my Blogger app.
Slan go foill, beacain beag.

-Spud.

Awhqwerd.

My friend genuinely making me doubt my sexuality.
I've always been pretty straight.
She is closet-bisexual and acts like it at me.
And I'm unnerving comfortable with it.
It won't lead to anything and I know that at the end of the line I will be straight but.

Yeart.

Spending another Saturday night crying over a boy whom I mean nothing to.
Story of my life right now.
Not even crying.
More like nervous bleating.

Help.

I'm being sent to Achill Island for a week tomorrow with 90 other students to camp.
It's like an adventure centre.
One problem.
I can't swim.
Water anxiety lol
And i probably won't get much sleep or food either.
Help.

Hi.

I'm a stone and a half overweight.
I need to eat less.
I want to start playing soccer.
It's fun but I have no stamina.
Oops.
No foods for me then.

Confused.

Two people have said that they reckon you like me.
Do you?
I'm worried because what if you do and I don't feel the same? That's that friendship gone out the window.
Why did you ask that question? It made me feel self centred that maybe you liked me too. Especially since you blew up yesterday while I was talking to him. I'm just really confused.
I'm not attractive to the opposite gender.
When I told you I love you I meant it though. And I miss you.

i addressed three different boys in one post lol im popular.
No. Kill me. Teenager emotions suck eggs.

Huh.

You were writing on my hands and arm today and all that was in my head was that you were, essentially, holding my hand. It made me really really happy.
I'm so pathetic.

Oh

I had a dream.
You were in it.
You kissed me.
It was pretty great for a dream.
But I know you don't like me, you like her and her and her.
I can't look you in the eye now.
This makes me more angry.

That sad moment when...

1. You start writing headcanons about your friends.
And bad Nick shows.
House of Anubis <3
2. You confess to your friend that you have a crush on two guys but you know that you only want to be friends with one and are completely thrown off by the other.
One is the most incredible and sweet boy you have ever met, but you would never actually go out with. Even if he is super attractive.
The other? Well. He's another story. He's attractive and independant. He will never let on as to whether he accepts you or not. Everything must be second guessed. He sends your logical train of thought into an exhilarating talespin and leaves you wondering what the hell happened. He's hypocritical and loves to get under peoples skin. Or so it seems. No one seems to really know.

He abuses me in a friendly way. If tht makes sense.
Let me explain. I cannot stand it when people touch my elbows. It just feels weird. And he does this on purpose because he knows this. It confuses me. Does that mean we're friends? Or he just likes to bother me?
Fucking life.
So confusing.
Slan go foill, beacain beag.

Ow.

What you said genuinely got to me. Past all the other things. Even if you were joking.

Hi

I've been having this dream lately. It's really kinda not scary but scary idk.
Basically, there's 8 people in this massive house/asylum place that has been modified to be a bit like a jungle gym type thing. There's also this guy in there in charge of it all. He's a murderer. He has a painted orange face and frizzy short black hair and has like strange eye make up bbut his clothing is normal albeit dark. He kinda trolls around the upper floors. The eight people in the house are me, Beck from Victorious(?), a set of blonde female twins, a 45yr old mexican man, a dark haired girl whose facecI never saw, a femboy with super short ginger hair and a girl who loojs a bit like Velma from Scooby Doo(idk). We all have to try and get out alive. I'm not sure how I winded up in there but I was the only "new contestant". Despite the others having been in there before, it was still hard to get out. I wound up sticking with Beck and Velmawannabe and they knew the place v well. At one point we were all in an upper floor room and the orangevfaced guy came in so we all had to sit down. I screamed obvers. The rest stayed calm. After taunting a couple of us, Orangeface picked out the mexican, sat on a chair and told the mexican to try to choke him from behind. When he started to apply pressure Orange face turned around lightning speed and snapped his neck. Orangeface told us to leave the room. Me, Beck and Velma went downstairs. We found a manhole in the yard outside the building. The walls were too big to climb so we had to go down the man hole. Next thing i know were on a beach at sunset and I'm talking to Beck about what happened and Velma is asleep. Then I woke up.
It was creepishly livid, as usual T-T itold my friend and she thought I'd made it up.
I didn't.
I woke up and my heart was thumping.

Oh wow.

Pretty much had a freakout on twitter and nobody gives a fuck. Good to know my supposed friends give a damn.
Maybe they just think im being over dramatic.

Why did i agree to this

I don't want to go.

My favourite place.

Some one asked me this today.
Most people say their bed or loved ones arms.
I never said it. But mine is a place I've only been to once. I can't even remember how to get there.
There's a ledge on this side of the river. It has a curved bench and an amazing view if the river. It was beautiful at sunset.
Aaron and Katie brought me there last summer.
When I'm sad I imagine I'm there.
Like right now. 

They always say

That musicians are so much hotter than non-musicians.
I never believed it much before cause I knowmusicians and was never particularly attracted to them.
But he started singing and playing. And oh my god. When he looked at me I think I melted a little. Even when he wasn't singing srsly.

I kinda hate hanging around with my friends. It's so much fun and I always wind up crying with laughter. But they make me feel so fat and ugly and uncool and unliked. They never say anything. It's just that they are skinny and attractive and I'm there with at least two stone excess body weight, a gap in my teeth you could fit a book through and a massive nose.
He calls me a beour, like you do your friends. But i always think he's taking the piss.
I hate feeling like this but I can't help it.
And I'm too much of a fucking pansy to cut properly or get an eating disorder so I can feel better about myself. Or get properly depressed.
Is there something wrong with me that im the only person in my friend group who hasnt had an eating disorder?
I dont even get properly depressed. I just get angry for a half hour then go into a state of sheer indifference for a while. But im never happy unless im laughing. Even before and after im just thinking about all my flaws and wondering why anyone would waste their time on me. Im good for nothing except complaining and slagging peoples intelligence. Im not even good at those.

Can i just die now and be done with life?

So...

I just published my drafts. In case you were wondering.

Lolnewblogpostinbed

Two concussions in the same twentyfour hours. Not literally. I just hopped my head off a bath and car boot door thing. He liked my status about the bath one. He either likes my pain, or wants me. I think it maybe the first one. Or maybe he just finds my daily shenanaganss entertaining. He laughs at what I say in school a lot. He thinks I'm so odd.

OOPSNEWPARAGRAPH.
No damn stagecrew for me anymore. It's bullshiza.

I dunno.

Slan go foill, beacain beag.

- Spud.

You.

You are absolutally ridiculous.
I know being a teenager makes you whiny, but you're taking the biscuit factory, nevervmind the measley biscuit.
Every you say lately is negative about yourself.
After about a millions times my patience goes.
I can't help someone who doesn't want the help.

I think I figured out why I'm so shallow.

People talk about whatvthey know, right?
Musically inclined? Talk about music.
Artisticly inclind? Artversation.
Filmingly inclined? Filmotography tipswap.
Me? I don't really have anything I'm good at. So I talk about ehat I know best. Which just so happens to be me.
Does that make sense? In mybhead it does.

~Spud

Can I?

Have you're address? I want to send you a letter.
I'm sending Cassandra one. I hope.
I can get stamps and stuff from work.

LOLNEWBLOGPOSTFROMLAPTOPINSTEADOFPHONE

The only blog I can read now is Ferns. Super sadness.

Work sucks, I know.

My throat hurts.
I might be going to England this summer. probably not but  maybe.

Ow.

I'm warm.
brainfuzz.

I miss MX so much. When errybodee be online at once and just one happy family. Where did you all go?
I never reply when I get comment on here cause I'm usually on my phone, so I don't see them.

I hate you. You followed me and unfollowed me. You may not know it but you actually tear my feelings apart. But I put on a brave nonchalent face because I've been ridiculed abotu liking someone way out of my league before, and I'm not going back there, nor dragging you down with me.

I'm sorry about you and your girlfriend. Some things just don't last.
Same to you.

Happy birthday. I miss you. But hanging out with you feels awkward. You make me feel tall again, which brings back bad memories and stupid feelings and ridiculous behaviour.

You think I seem sad when I'm left alone for an hour? You should see me at the weekends.

I cut again. I was bored. Mam, Dad and three people in school saw it cause I'm careless. I lied and said I caught my arm on the bathroom counter. Only one seemed doubtful. Am I that good a liar?

I never vlogged tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Prolly not. After ISL on Wednesday, fer sure.

I would make more of an effort, I want to. But I never have anything to say, and your replies are too brief. I'm sorry for being such a useless friend to you.
To all of you.
To anyone who has ever spoken to me.
I'm sorry for being whiny and self depreciative and uncaring and selfish and self-centered and insulting to mankind. I don't mean to be. But I am.

I watched teh BBCs last episode of Sherlock. I won't lie. I cried. Even though I knew the truth. Martin Freeman is an incredible actor.
I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

I've lost weight again. Not much. But a bit. Which I'm happy about.
9 stone is far enough away yet though.
So is a C cup.

My knee is in bits.

I finished Season three of How I Met Your Mother.

I want Daniel Radcliffe to narrate my life.

Follow me on Twitter and Tumblr. pickweasley for both. No caps.

CAPITOL LETTERS ARE NOT CRUISE CONTROL TO COOL.

I miss old chat.

Fuck yeah, nostalgia.

Feliks taught me that word.

And Hiddun taught me the word inferred.

He's the only guy I feel comfortable talking to. Ever.
Kinda wish I could meet him. But that might ruin it.

One Directions fandom is actually top notch. Comical genius. And the boys themselves seem quite nice too.

Wish I had a talent. Like singing or drawing or even writing. Dancing, playing an instrument. Acting. Sports, animals, arts and crafts, photo taking cause calling it photography is pretentious, anything. I just wish I felt like I had something to contribute to the world.

What am I going to do when I leave school?
I can hardly work in the bookshop forever.
And it would cost too much to open my own.
I wanna go to America.
And fall in love.
Just once.
Kiss in the rain.
Stay together against the odds.
Then breakup mutually, rather than dumping on another.

I wish I had a reason to cry.

Bad spelling and grammar isn't good enough a reason.

My watch is purple.

Who wants to sponser a trip to America, specifically Vidcon, for me? Then a tour of America to see everyone from my online adventures.
wow. I miss you guys more than I thought.
Fuck off, tear. Get out of my nose.
Nose, stop dripping. You are not a faucet.


Just breathe.

Workforce

I'm part of it. I don't like it though.
Working where I'm working is so bad for my knees. They're so sore.
I think I'll go back to the last place to get a stamp and say hello tomorrow.
There's some other girl on her work experience too and she's doing infinately better than me. Fml.
I look gross.
Vlog later.
Slan go foill.