Maybe i need help

School is distressing. I don't want to go back. It's making me feel sick to my stomach. Last term I cried at school twice. I don't want to do that again.
I can't deal with english but I can't drop down because I'm sick to death of being the stupid person of the group who already does two lower level subjects because i'm stupid.
I can't deal with my friends because they're all annoying and I hate them all every though I really like some of them.
I wish I was the "lot's of good guy friends" girl. I've just enjoyed myself so much more hanging out with the guys. The girls are trolling bitches who sing too much.
Is it possible to not have a sexuality?
I'm literally perpetually tired. Like I sleep all the time. This only hit me last year.
I just want to go back to last year but with the stronger friendships that i have now.
I also want to not be crying every night this week over one thing or another.

Story Time With Sarah: I was social.

So I went on social placement about three weeks ago to a HSE training centre for disabled people. Everyone in my year gets sent out, class by class, and we're assigned to various hospices and centres around the city. We go in pairs. My astounding luck landed me a guy whom with I'd never spoken, so I was uncomfortable with going, for obvious reasons.

So we went to the centre on Wednesday for three days and it was surprisingly okay. I had said in my application that I find it extremely taxing to be with people who are severely mentally disabled just out of sheer fear of being offensive towards them, so obviously my teacher sent me to a centre for people with varying degrees of Down's Syndrome, which sucked. But, as it happens, they were all super nice and the conversation never strayed in any direction that would have brought me into the prejudice zone of my opinions.

What really surprised me was how well I got along with the guy I went with. We've been in the same year for five years, but this is the first time we've had a class together, so up until last year, I didn't know he existed, as with many of the male population of my year. But it turns out that he's actually proper sound and we've the same sense of humour. So hanging out with him made the entire experience more enjoyable because I was relax.

At the end of the placement, we gave the bossman a box of Roses, which he immediately regifted to the lunchlady. Rude. Also, I realised that after that Friday, I'd probably never speak to placement friend again and resigned to that fact. It would be a shame but I'd get over it fairly quickly. Once I went back to school, however, that changed.

I accidently found out that he wanted to go on placement with me as little as I wanted to go with him, possible more, because it would be really "awkward and uncomfortable". It seems to be a popular opinion among the males in my year that I am a very quiet, serious and unhappy person. My friend's boyfriend described me as "the scary one who never smiles". This bothers me far more than it should, or even that I would have thought it would.
Added bonus to Story Time; my friend and her boyfriend made a bet. The bet was that placement friend and I would have shifted* by the end of placement, which also seriously bothered me. My friend was so adamant and sure that we wouldn't, and her boyfriend** was that it would happen. I don't like how often I come up in their conversations. 

*shifted=kissed. But kissed sounds less passionate than what shifted means. It's like, proper intense shit, man.
**previously aforememtioed boyfriend.

Slan go foill, beacain beag.

So today....

I think I'm going on a date of sorts. I'm kinda nervous and excited all at once. I mean, it's just going to town, which is fine. I'll probably get hot chocolate. I also need to buy safety pins.
Unfortunately, I'll have to go home at like five cause I have a Macbeth essay due tomorrow, which sucks royal. I tried to get it all done yesterday but to no avail. I got everything else done though. So I'll have like six hours to write an essay. Should be enough. Mighten't be. Hopefully will.
So anyway, which me luck and hope I don't die.
Alan go fill beacain beag.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

   I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to have to face you. I just feel really horrible for not liking you as much as you like me. Don't get me wrong. I like you. I like how talking to you makes me incredibly happy and how my heart speeds up in a good way. But I feel as if that's not enough.
   In general, I'm pretty uncomfortable around humans. Females make me the least nervous. Change genders and my nerves increase by like five. Make me attracted to them, tenfold the nerves. With you, it's like one million-fold. It isn't even that I find you very attractive, but you're just so amazing. To paraphrase Amy Pond,
       "You know when you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them   and five minutes later, they're dull as as brick? Then there's other people and you meet them and think "not bad. You're okay.". And then you get to know them and their face sort of becomes them? Like their personality's written all over it. And they turn into something so beautiful."
   You're the second one. The better one. But I'm still afraid. I'm afraid that it doesn't work out and you get hurt or I get hurt and it just ends really badly and wee merger speak again. I don't think I could handle that.
   I don't think our relationship wouldn't be fair on you anyway. I'm a wreck at the best of times. It wouldn't be fair that you'd have to put up with my self loathing and laziness and dullness and inability to kiss you, or even hold you hand. You deserve someone who can give you a proper relationship. Someone who can match your intellect, who share your views on music and television and books and anything else. You deserve far better than the girl who starves for attention and tries desperately to fit society's mould.
   You deserve better than me.