So it's been a while.

It's been a while and things are so different now holy shit. Where to start, where to start.
Let's rewind to the last time I wrote. It was like January, right? Okay, so, I went on that date thing and it was really awful and I proceeded to not speak to that person for like eleven months(oops). But then we talked a bit in November and sorted everything out, cards on the table. Now it's a tentative friend-through-friend friendship I guess? Like we never talk, but it's not as uncomfortable.
Remember the friend with the boyfriend? Well, stuff went down negatively in their relationship and they broke up for a while and all her friends were super happy because he's a bit of a tool bag and she's too good for him, in our humble, biased opinions. But now they're back together again. I wouldn't mind if it actually made her happy but they are so dysfunctional, fighting every other week. This week it's about their plans for Valentines Day (aka how he made some with friends instead of her. Nice one.). But I try to keep my judgements to myself because she loves him, so he can't be all bad. I just hope it works out okay for her.
In other, somewhat happier news, a very dear friend of mine came out to me at some point last year, I can't actually remember when. I feel like it's made us far closer than we would have ever been otherwise. I didn't even know she thought of me as a friend that close. I was the firs one she came out to. *fist pump* I currently spend my time with her joking about how stereotypically lesbian-y she actually is and talking about how cute and futile her crush is. (She likes to be told how it is, and I'm not one for silly, romantic notions.)
Another friend is vaguely depressed, still. She has recovered a lot, but now, from time to time, I find myself becoming incredibly exasperated with her. She's so woe-is-me sometimes, which is fine, but she causes most of her own problems by being that way. I feel terrible about it because sometimes I don't even what to be her friend anymore, but I have no choice because she has no other friends. Oh well. In five months, I'll never have to see her again.
Oh yeah, by the way, I'm finishing mandatory education in a out five months, which is absolutally terrifying. I'm hoping to move to Cork to study Film and Screen Production at UCC, but I might not be able to afford it, so I might stay in Limerick and do English and New Media, which sounds like an awful course, but it could get me into publishing, which is better than nothing.
My Debs is in August. I have to wear address, which means I have to go shopping for a dress. My mam tried to make me go on Saturday but I refused on the grounds that she fatshames me constantly, but I'd didn't tell her than. Because of this, I had to for-go tampons. Bad choice. However I had a really nice talk with my dad about my weight on Friday. He was super nice and supportive and gave me proper advice and didn't try to shame me. It was fab.
Considering I am four English essays behind in schoolwork, I should probably go now. I'll write again at some point.
Slan go foill, beacain beag. <3

Maybe i need help

School is distressing. I don't want to go back. It's making me feel sick to my stomach. Last term I cried at school twice. I don't want to do that again.
I can't deal with english but I can't drop down because I'm sick to death of being the stupid person of the group who already does two lower level subjects because i'm stupid.
I can't deal with my friends because they're all annoying and I hate them all every though I really like some of them.
I wish I was the "lot's of good guy friends" girl. I've just enjoyed myself so much more hanging out with the guys. The girls are trolling bitches who sing too much.
Is it possible to not have a sexuality?
I'm literally perpetually tired. Like I sleep all the time. This only hit me last year.
I just want to go back to last year but with the stronger friendships that i have now.
I also want to not be crying every night this week over one thing or another.

Story Time With Sarah: I was social.

So I went on social placement about three weeks ago to a HSE training centre for disabled people. Everyone in my year gets sent out, class by class, and we're assigned to various hospices and centres around the city. We go in pairs. My astounding luck landed me a guy whom with I'd never spoken, so I was uncomfortable with going, for obvious reasons.

So we went to the centre on Wednesday for three days and it was surprisingly okay. I had said in my application that I find it extremely taxing to be with people who are severely mentally disabled just out of sheer fear of being offensive towards them, so obviously my teacher sent me to a centre for people with varying degrees of Down's Syndrome, which sucked. But, as it happens, they were all super nice and the conversation never strayed in any direction that would have brought me into the prejudice zone of my opinions.

What really surprised me was how well I got along with the guy I went with. We've been in the same year for five years, but this is the first time we've had a class together, so up until last year, I didn't know he existed, as with many of the male population of my year. But it turns out that he's actually proper sound and we've the same sense of humour. So hanging out with him made the entire experience more enjoyable because I was relax.

At the end of the placement, we gave the bossman a box of Roses, which he immediately regifted to the lunchlady. Rude. Also, I realised that after that Friday, I'd probably never speak to placement friend again and resigned to that fact. It would be a shame but I'd get over it fairly quickly. Once I went back to school, however, that changed.

I accidently found out that he wanted to go on placement with me as little as I wanted to go with him, possible more, because it would be really "awkward and uncomfortable". It seems to be a popular opinion among the males in my year that I am a very quiet, serious and unhappy person. My friend's boyfriend described me as "the scary one who never smiles". This bothers me far more than it should, or even that I would have thought it would.
Added bonus to Story Time; my friend and her boyfriend made a bet. The bet was that placement friend and I would have shifted* by the end of placement, which also seriously bothered me. My friend was so adamant and sure that we wouldn't, and her boyfriend** was that it would happen. I don't like how often I come up in their conversations. 

*shifted=kissed. But kissed sounds less passionate than what shifted means. It's like, proper intense shit, man.
**previously aforememtioed boyfriend.

Slan go foill, beacain beag.

So today....

I think I'm going on a date of sorts. I'm kinda nervous and excited all at once. I mean, it's just going to town, which is fine. I'll probably get hot chocolate. I also need to buy safety pins.
Unfortunately, I'll have to go home at like five cause I have a Macbeth essay due tomorrow, which sucks royal. I tried to get it all done yesterday but to no avail. I got everything else done though. So I'll have like six hours to write an essay. Should be enough. Mighten't be. Hopefully will.
So anyway, which me luck and hope I don't die.
Alan go fill beacain beag.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

   I really don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to have to face you. I just feel really horrible for not liking you as much as you like me. Don't get me wrong. I like you. I like how talking to you makes me incredibly happy and how my heart speeds up in a good way. But I feel as if that's not enough.
   In general, I'm pretty uncomfortable around humans. Females make me the least nervous. Change genders and my nerves increase by like five. Make me attracted to them, tenfold the nerves. With you, it's like one million-fold. It isn't even that I find you very attractive, but you're just so amazing. To paraphrase Amy Pond,
       "You know when you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them   and five minutes later, they're dull as as brick? Then there's other people and you meet them and think "not bad. You're okay.". And then you get to know them and their face sort of becomes them? Like their personality's written all over it. And they turn into something so beautiful."
   You're the second one. The better one. But I'm still afraid. I'm afraid that it doesn't work out and you get hurt or I get hurt and it just ends really badly and wee merger speak again. I don't think I could handle that.
   I don't think our relationship wouldn't be fair on you anyway. I'm a wreck at the best of times. It wouldn't be fair that you'd have to put up with my self loathing and laziness and dullness and inability to kiss you, or even hold you hand. You deserve someone who can give you a proper relationship. Someone who can match your intellect, who share your views on music and television and books and anything else. You deserve far better than the girl who starves for attention and tries desperately to fit society's mould.
   You deserve better than me.

Can I like, sleep forever?

Okay so I'm having a massive freaking freak out thingie and my hands won't stop shaking and I want to be sick but I don't want to be sick and there are like a million things bouncing around my head right now and I'm so fucking nervous about tomorrow night. Like I actually cannot calm the fuck down. When he starts talking to me I'm probably going to get sick. Like, full on projectile vomit. She's setting us up for God sake. I don't even know if I want this. DO I WANT THIS? I think I might go lie down and see how I feel in a while.

Okay so I went and lied down for a while. I'm calm...ish. Mam gaves out to me for not picking up on social cues when you asked how I felt about phone calls and I responded in the negative.
What is even.

High School Musical

That's the school show this year. It starts tomorrow. I'm perfecting and selling raffle tickets on the Friday. I'm excite. It's going to be awful. Then my exams start Friday next week. Wehh.